The Dangers of DTR
Greetings again! I'm just a blog addict here of late, and as I wait here patiently for my latest paycheck to clear the bank, I'm pondering the dangers of DTR-ing. Now many of you are probably asking (maybe even out loud) just what is "DTR"? Well to be honest, it wasn't a phrase I had ever heard before either...but after it was explained to me, I knew damn well what it was, and exactly why it's so dangerous. You see, "DTR" stands for "define the relationship", so "DTR"ing is defining ones current relationship with another person...typically of the opposite sex, and typically a romantic interest.
If you've ever been in a relationship where you weren't EXACTLY sure what was going on, what the rules were, who they applied to, or even if you were in a "relationship" at all, and you finally had to just flat out ASK, then you have DTR'ed without evening knowing it. Now I know this sounds innocent enough, but bear with me here and I'll explain the dangers. Lets be honest, a lot of us end up involved with someone without ever quuuuite knowing how it happened, or what the expectations were once it did happen. So if we are happy with that, we just coast along more or less playing things by ear and not asking to many questions. This is all fine and well for say the first month or so maybe. After that, unless you're basically just 'friends with benefits' things start to happen in the relationship that raise questions about just WHAT exactly is going on. For example, you hold hands, you go on dates, you meet each others friends, you MIGHT even meet each others parents at some point, you talk constantly, make plans to go places together etc. etc. and lets not forget that you're probably sleeping together too! All this is being done with no label, no boundaries...it just kinda happens. So how long do you ignore the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room with respect to your status? How do you bring the subject up? When? What do you talk about? What changes? Here-in lie the dangers of DTR...
Now if you're at all like me, you're probably perfectly content to cruise along and just take things one day at a time...for a while. But then that little voice in the back of your head starts in "Man, should I say something? Is she waiting for me to bring it up? Do I want to bring it up?" Fortunately for ME, my most recent DTR went something like this:
"Matt, what the f*ck are we doing?"
"Ahhh, what do you mean?" (I tried to play dumb at first)
"You know EXACTLY what I mean! What are WE doing?"
"Oh. Well I guess we should talk about that..."
And so it went from there! Now, I pretty much lucked out with this...I didn't have to bring it up, she and I found out we were on the same page (or atleast in the same chapter) and had more or less the same expectations from each other - it was really quite nice. However, the title of this post is "The Dangers of DTR" and here's the thing, A LOT of the time, having a DTR moment does NOT do good things for a relationship. Some people simply don't handle definition very well, others find out that they're looking for totally different things, and still OTHERS just see a DTR as added pressure that they weren't looking for. This is where things get dangerous - the old maxim "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" comes readily to mind. The thing is, DTR to early, and you risk running the other 1/2 of your relationship off by seeming to be too pushy. Wait to DTR later and you may find that your relationship has simply evaporated because you never took that next step. It's a tricky business to be sure.
Assuming you DO time your DTR right, you may STILL have mucked things up because as I said, some people don't LIKE to be defined. Generally speaking, I am one of those people. It's not so much that I don't LIKE it, it's simply that I'm not usually in a rush to DO IT. Other people however are positively PHOBIC about defining their status. They feel that it changes what's expected of them, what they're allowed to do, who they're allowed to see, what they're supposed to say, how they should act etc. etc. etc. Why this completely freaks some people out is completely understandable to me - but rather than express these feelings, many people just freeze up and withdraw, which is the beginning of the end for that relationship. Other people are afraid of a status change I think, because of what it means in terms of sharing who you are. As "just friends" or "talking" you can get away with a certain amount of superficial "fluff" in you relationship. You're not really obligated to share THAT much about who you REALLY are deep down. A lot of interaction can be relegated down to "I like this", "I don't like that", and "How are you?" at this point. Certainly this is not talk of the things that MAKE you who you are...your passions, your philosophy, your life experience, heaven FORBID your flaws as a person. No, until you DTR, you can safely keep all this tucked away inside without anything being out of the ordinary - and I'll be very honest, it probably is safer that way. Sharing those things with another person gives them great power over you, because once you bare those parts of your soul, then someone else knows EXACTLY where you can be hurt the most, and EXACTLY how to do it. But by the same token, WITHOUT sharing these things, how can you ever truly know a person? The simple answer is, you can't, and so DTR and everything involved with it comes down to one simple and very profound idea - TRUST.
Only when you truly trust someone and are willing to share these sometimes painfully personal aspects of who you are, can you take that next step in a relationship. To DTR is essentially ask someone, "Do you trust me?" and then wait for the answer. Some people trust more easily than other, for lots of reasons. Others have been hurt before by trusting, and so are more hesitant to take that risk again. If that's the case, and you really and truely care about the other person, then all you can do is wait, and let them come to you on their own terms. I'm honestly not sure which is the better approach - to trust everyone to a fault, or to trust no one completely. I think trusting no one is probably safer, but it's also more lonely. I myself have never thought that risk was any reason not to do a thing, and in fact it seems that more often than not, the most risky things are also the most rewarding. So I'll risk trusting another person every time (and I hope you will too) even though it could cause me pain, because I know the reward could be something beyond any measure.
"To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk pain.
To try is to risk failure,
But risk must be taken,
Because the greatest hazard in life
Is to risk nothing..."
~Leo Buscaglia
If you've ever been in a relationship where you weren't EXACTLY sure what was going on, what the rules were, who they applied to, or even if you were in a "relationship" at all, and you finally had to just flat out ASK, then you have DTR'ed without evening knowing it. Now I know this sounds innocent enough, but bear with me here and I'll explain the dangers. Lets be honest, a lot of us end up involved with someone without ever quuuuite knowing how it happened, or what the expectations were once it did happen. So if we are happy with that, we just coast along more or less playing things by ear and not asking to many questions. This is all fine and well for say the first month or so maybe. After that, unless you're basically just 'friends with benefits' things start to happen in the relationship that raise questions about just WHAT exactly is going on. For example, you hold hands, you go on dates, you meet each others friends, you MIGHT even meet each others parents at some point, you talk constantly, make plans to go places together etc. etc. and lets not forget that you're probably sleeping together too! All this is being done with no label, no boundaries...it just kinda happens. So how long do you ignore the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room with respect to your status? How do you bring the subject up? When? What do you talk about? What changes? Here-in lie the dangers of DTR...
Now if you're at all like me, you're probably perfectly content to cruise along and just take things one day at a time...for a while. But then that little voice in the back of your head starts in "Man, should I say something? Is she waiting for me to bring it up? Do I want to bring it up?" Fortunately for ME, my most recent DTR went something like this:
"Matt, what the f*ck are we doing?"
"Ahhh, what do you mean?" (I tried to play dumb at first)
"You know EXACTLY what I mean! What are WE doing?"
"Oh. Well I guess we should talk about that..."
And so it went from there! Now, I pretty much lucked out with this...I didn't have to bring it up, she and I found out we were on the same page (or atleast in the same chapter) and had more or less the same expectations from each other - it was really quite nice. However, the title of this post is "The Dangers of DTR" and here's the thing, A LOT of the time, having a DTR moment does NOT do good things for a relationship. Some people simply don't handle definition very well, others find out that they're looking for totally different things, and still OTHERS just see a DTR as added pressure that they weren't looking for. This is where things get dangerous - the old maxim "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" comes readily to mind. The thing is, DTR to early, and you risk running the other 1/2 of your relationship off by seeming to be too pushy. Wait to DTR later and you may find that your relationship has simply evaporated because you never took that next step. It's a tricky business to be sure.
Assuming you DO time your DTR right, you may STILL have mucked things up because as I said, some people don't LIKE to be defined. Generally speaking, I am one of those people. It's not so much that I don't LIKE it, it's simply that I'm not usually in a rush to DO IT. Other people however are positively PHOBIC about defining their status. They feel that it changes what's expected of them, what they're allowed to do, who they're allowed to see, what they're supposed to say, how they should act etc. etc. etc. Why this completely freaks some people out is completely understandable to me - but rather than express these feelings, many people just freeze up and withdraw, which is the beginning of the end for that relationship. Other people are afraid of a status change I think, because of what it means in terms of sharing who you are. As "just friends" or "talking" you can get away with a certain amount of superficial "fluff" in you relationship. You're not really obligated to share THAT much about who you REALLY are deep down. A lot of interaction can be relegated down to "I like this", "I don't like that", and "How are you?" at this point. Certainly this is not talk of the things that MAKE you who you are...your passions, your philosophy, your life experience, heaven FORBID your flaws as a person. No, until you DTR, you can safely keep all this tucked away inside without anything being out of the ordinary - and I'll be very honest, it probably is safer that way. Sharing those things with another person gives them great power over you, because once you bare those parts of your soul, then someone else knows EXACTLY where you can be hurt the most, and EXACTLY how to do it. But by the same token, WITHOUT sharing these things, how can you ever truly know a person? The simple answer is, you can't, and so DTR and everything involved with it comes down to one simple and very profound idea - TRUST.
Only when you truly trust someone and are willing to share these sometimes painfully personal aspects of who you are, can you take that next step in a relationship. To DTR is essentially ask someone, "Do you trust me?" and then wait for the answer. Some people trust more easily than other, for lots of reasons. Others have been hurt before by trusting, and so are more hesitant to take that risk again. If that's the case, and you really and truely care about the other person, then all you can do is wait, and let them come to you on their own terms. I'm honestly not sure which is the better approach - to trust everyone to a fault, or to trust no one completely. I think trusting no one is probably safer, but it's also more lonely. I myself have never thought that risk was any reason not to do a thing, and in fact it seems that more often than not, the most risky things are also the most rewarding. So I'll risk trusting another person every time (and I hope you will too) even though it could cause me pain, because I know the reward could be something beyond any measure.
"To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk pain.
To try is to risk failure,
But risk must be taken,
Because the greatest hazard in life
Is to risk nothing..."
~Leo Buscaglia
posted by CarpeDM | 8:24 PM
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