A Parade of Idiots
That's what work was for me yesterday...a never ending procession of one idiot after another. Generally this is not the case, and most of the people I deal with are reasonable, intelligent human beings. Apparently however, July 24 is national "Idiots With Cell Phones Day" and no one bothered to tell me. For the purpose of expediency, I wont list every complete ass I dealt with, just the ones that REALLY stuck out. So without further adu, here we go:
1) Non-English speaking Mexican woman w/ three obnoxious children: Not ONLY could you NOT speak enough English to tell me what in hell was wrong with your phone, but your children were completely in-excusable. The benches in our store are for people to SIT on. They are not trampolines, nor are they diving boards. Apparently this concept was lost on your offspring. They should be put down for the great good of the country. P.S. - I don't mind if you don't speak much English, or if you have to have someone else translate for you, but please don't come into the store apparently not knowing a WORD and then get angry with me cause you can't make yourself understood.
2) Obese Ugly Redneck Woman and Husband: Really, how on earth did you two ever even manage to get a phone? Last time I checked our store didn't take payment in "fatback" or cellulite, so I'm not sure how you're managing this. Regardless, when I tell you that the display on your phone could not have spontainiously "broken" please don't look at me like I just told you that NASCAR racing has been suspended forever. If your fat ass sits on your phone, and it's pressed up against something else solid, such as a chair, the ground or a can of dip, it WILL break. Would you regular sit on your laptop (if you could figure out how to turn one on of course) and expect it to work properly? Ok then, case closed.
3) Very creepy religious man: Ok, as if the fact that you have "Jesus is the Only Way" as your account password weren't weird enough, the "Lord's Gym" t-shirt you had on was completely over the top. I doubt very seriously that Christ worked out all that much (i mean really...as near as I can tell, all they ate back then was fish, bread, olives and wine. That's a pretty good diet.) while he was down here, and I seriously doubt he would approve of a t-shirt that featured him doing push-ups bearing the cross on his back and sweating blood. The last straw however, was you having the nerve to ask me if I had "been saved". WTF business of yours is that??? Please, please, PLEASE explain to me what the holy hell (pardon the expression) that has to do with whether or not I can fix your cell phone for you?? If I had said "Ahhh no, haven't really had the time..." would you have gone and gotten in someone else's line? Or better yet, just left the store?? You sir are EXACTLY what is wrong with Christianity today.
4) Bitchy, stuck up, prissy, blonde haired Yankee lady: I don't care if you just moved here from the Upper West Side or from Mayberry. The fact that your phone broke, doesn't entitle you to free stuff. As a company, we're nice enough to replace your phone for free when it break under warranty. The fact that YOU didn't bother to back up your photos, and were to BUSY/LAZY/SELF ABSORBED to take the time to back them up while you were in the store is really not my problem. Not only is it not my problem, but your incessant ranting about how you buy a phone and you EXPECT it to work, and your insistence that I give you a free memory card to put your pics on, is really not helping your case. When you buy a car, do you expect it to run FOREVER without ANY problems? When you buy a computer, so you REALLY expect it to work perfectly ALL THE TIME?? Maybe things are different "up North" but I doubt it. Had you been more polite, i might have given you that memory card, or at least discounted it, but nooooo you had to be a massive bitch, so you got what you deserved.
5) All Old People Who Can't Use The Bill-Pay Machine: Ok, you know what, I understand that you've been doing things a certain way for like the last 200 years or whatever, and that change is tough, but my GOD this is not that complex. The BILL has to be PAID at the MACHINE. I'm NOT going to take your money at the counter...that's why there is a GIANT sign that says "Pay Your Bill Here" over the machine. The same goes for you dolts who come in looking for a drop box, and then get pissed when we don't have one anymore. You could JUST as easily stick a stamp on your envelope and DROP it in a mailbox...I take great joy in running the bills you leave on our counters through the paper shredder, after I tell you that WE CAN'T TAKE THEM!! Now then, back to the bill-pay machine. I personally feel that they should do away w/ the SAT entirely, and just have graduating HS students pass a test on using the bill-pay machine. I say this because according to you people, it's the most complicated process on the face of the earth, and apparently closely related to rocket science, nuclear physics, and bio. chemistry. In reality, the machine tells you EXACTLY what to do, step by step, and EVEN shows you nice pretty little pictures. If you can't manage to pay your bill in this manner, then you shouldn't be trusted with sharp object, much less a cell phone.
My Assis. Manager: I did 16+ returns last night, less than 1/4 of which were mine. Don't even THINK about giving me any shit about not cleaning up the tech. work area before I left. Four OTHER guys work there, who didn't do a damn thing prior to close last night, while I sat at my desk and did returns. If that's not enough for one night, than your pudgy ass can clean up, cause I'm not doing it. Oh yea, PS the fact that you're signed up on E-Harmony, and are ok telling people this, is lame beyond description.
Top 10 STUPID Question I get at Work:
10) Can I pay my bill here?
A: Considering your just walked past a big sign that says "Pay Your Bill Here" and points somewhere else, you tell me?
9) How do I make a phone call?
A: You're kidding right?
8) Why do I need a security deposit?
A: Because apparently you have less credibility than GW.
7) Why'd you make the parking lot so small?
A: Do I look like an architect? No seriously, it's a practical joke, and everyone who works here gets a huge kick out of it.
6) Can you give me a free phone?
A: Sure! In fact, here, have four or five!
5) Are you a manager?
A: Don't I look like I'm doing my job WELL and actually WORKING? Than CLEARLY I am NOT a manager!
4) How could my phone have gotten wet?
A: Well see, there's this stuff we call water...and when things go into water they get "wet"...
3) Does my bill tell me how much I owe?
A: No, it tells you where the buried treasure is...
2) Why doesn't my phone ring?
A: Cause actually that's a DVD remote...
1) Well than how about I just take my business to Spring/U.S. Cellular etc.?
A: Gosh, and only leave us w/ 64,999,999 customers?? Please...no...
Ok, I feel much better now! Thanks for reading!
1) Non-English speaking Mexican woman w/ three obnoxious children: Not ONLY could you NOT speak enough English to tell me what in hell was wrong with your phone, but your children were completely in-excusable. The benches in our store are for people to SIT on. They are not trampolines, nor are they diving boards. Apparently this concept was lost on your offspring. They should be put down for the great good of the country. P.S. - I don't mind if you don't speak much English, or if you have to have someone else translate for you, but please don't come into the store apparently not knowing a WORD and then get angry with me cause you can't make yourself understood.
2) Obese Ugly Redneck Woman and Husband: Really, how on earth did you two ever even manage to get a phone? Last time I checked our store didn't take payment in "fatback" or cellulite, so I'm not sure how you're managing this. Regardless, when I tell you that the display on your phone could not have spontainiously "broken" please don't look at me like I just told you that NASCAR racing has been suspended forever. If your fat ass sits on your phone, and it's pressed up against something else solid, such as a chair, the ground or a can of dip, it WILL break. Would you regular sit on your laptop (if you could figure out how to turn one on of course) and expect it to work properly? Ok then, case closed.
3) Very creepy religious man: Ok, as if the fact that you have "Jesus is the Only Way" as your account password weren't weird enough, the "Lord's Gym" t-shirt you had on was completely over the top. I doubt very seriously that Christ worked out all that much (i mean really...as near as I can tell, all they ate back then was fish, bread, olives and wine. That's a pretty good diet.) while he was down here, and I seriously doubt he would approve of a t-shirt that featured him doing push-ups bearing the cross on his back and sweating blood. The last straw however, was you having the nerve to ask me if I had "been saved". WTF business of yours is that??? Please, please, PLEASE explain to me what the holy hell (pardon the expression) that has to do with whether or not I can fix your cell phone for you?? If I had said "Ahhh no, haven't really had the time..." would you have gone and gotten in someone else's line? Or better yet, just left the store?? You sir are EXACTLY what is wrong with Christianity today.
4) Bitchy, stuck up, prissy, blonde haired Yankee lady: I don't care if you just moved here from the Upper West Side or from Mayberry. The fact that your phone broke, doesn't entitle you to free stuff. As a company, we're nice enough to replace your phone for free when it break under warranty. The fact that YOU didn't bother to back up your photos, and were to BUSY/LAZY/SELF ABSORBED to take the time to back them up while you were in the store is really not my problem. Not only is it not my problem, but your incessant ranting about how you buy a phone and you EXPECT it to work, and your insistence that I give you a free memory card to put your pics on, is really not helping your case. When you buy a car, do you expect it to run FOREVER without ANY problems? When you buy a computer, so you REALLY expect it to work perfectly ALL THE TIME?? Maybe things are different "up North" but I doubt it. Had you been more polite, i might have given you that memory card, or at least discounted it, but nooooo you had to be a massive bitch, so you got what you deserved.
5) All Old People Who Can't Use The Bill-Pay Machine: Ok, you know what, I understand that you've been doing things a certain way for like the last 200 years or whatever, and that change is tough, but my GOD this is not that complex. The BILL has to be PAID at the MACHINE. I'm NOT going to take your money at the counter...that's why there is a GIANT sign that says "Pay Your Bill Here" over the machine. The same goes for you dolts who come in looking for a drop box, and then get pissed when we don't have one anymore. You could JUST as easily stick a stamp on your envelope and DROP it in a mailbox...I take great joy in running the bills you leave on our counters through the paper shredder, after I tell you that WE CAN'T TAKE THEM!! Now then, back to the bill-pay machine. I personally feel that they should do away w/ the SAT entirely, and just have graduating HS students pass a test on using the bill-pay machine. I say this because according to you people, it's the most complicated process on the face of the earth, and apparently closely related to rocket science, nuclear physics, and bio. chemistry. In reality, the machine tells you EXACTLY what to do, step by step, and EVEN shows you nice pretty little pictures. If you can't manage to pay your bill in this manner, then you shouldn't be trusted with sharp object, much less a cell phone.
My Assis. Manager: I did 16+ returns last night, less than 1/4 of which were mine. Don't even THINK about giving me any shit about not cleaning up the tech. work area before I left. Four OTHER guys work there, who didn't do a damn thing prior to close last night, while I sat at my desk and did returns. If that's not enough for one night, than your pudgy ass can clean up, cause I'm not doing it. Oh yea, PS the fact that you're signed up on E-Harmony, and are ok telling people this, is lame beyond description.
Top 10 STUPID Question I get at Work:
10) Can I pay my bill here?
A: Considering your just walked past a big sign that says "Pay Your Bill Here" and points somewhere else, you tell me?
9) How do I make a phone call?
A: You're kidding right?
8) Why do I need a security deposit?
A: Because apparently you have less credibility than GW.
7) Why'd you make the parking lot so small?
A: Do I look like an architect? No seriously, it's a practical joke, and everyone who works here gets a huge kick out of it.
6) Can you give me a free phone?
A: Sure! In fact, here, have four or five!
5) Are you a manager?
A: Don't I look like I'm doing my job WELL and actually WORKING? Than CLEARLY I am NOT a manager!
4) How could my phone have gotten wet?
A: Well see, there's this stuff we call water...and when things go into water they get "wet"...
3) Does my bill tell me how much I owe?
A: No, it tells you where the buried treasure is...
2) Why doesn't my phone ring?
A: Cause actually that's a DVD remote...
1) Well than how about I just take my business to Spring/U.S. Cellular etc.?
A: Gosh, and only leave us w/ 64,999,999 customers?? Please...no...
Ok, I feel much better now! Thanks for reading!
posted by CarpeDM | 11:46 AM
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