The People We Think We Know...Part II

Life can be really weird sometimes. Especially where relationships are concerned. I know that's no great discovery or insight, but I thought it was worth mentioning. I suppose it makes sense though...people can be really weird, hence relationships can be really weird. Basically there are supposed to be people in your life who always love you - no matter what. People like your parents, your siblings, your very best friends, etc. etc. These are the people who are supposed to be able to watch you do stupid, inexcusably idiotic type stuff, and STILL love you. Even when the things are you do are hurtful or destructive, somewhere deep down below all the potential pain and anger, these people are the ones who will always forgive you, never stop caring and never lose their faith or trust in you. It's how we as human beings survive - off the love of those around us.

The human capacity for love and forgiveness is what REALLY makes us amazing creations in my opinion. It's not our intelligence, cause lets face it...we're not all particularly bright, and it's not our sense of humor, though that certainly helps. To me it really is the fact that we as a species have the capacity for a type of love that absolutely defies reason. We can love to an extent that is completely and totally illogical, and do so in the face of experiences and obstacles that would normally cause us to turn tail and run. By the same token we can forgive and forget problems and mistakes that we should by all rights carry with us to the grave. Granted some people DO carry those burdens with them their entire lives, but I feel like if it involves someone you truly love, you can let it go. Every once in a while I wonder if there is anything that a person I cared about could do to me, something so horrific and so traumatic, that I could never forgive them - and each time I come up with the same answer, no. Maybe I'm unique in that respect, but it doesn't seem that way.

On the flip side though, this is the type of love and forgiveness that we are blessed to have from just a handful of people in our lives, and when you realize that this group is smaller then you first thought, it's a painful thing to stomach. Sometimes it can be hard to see who exactly falls into this group and who doesn't, because to love is also to risk, and it's not always easy to gage who the risk takers are. Mostly though, finding these people in your life is tricky because truly putting someone's love for you to the ultimate test usually involves having to do something hurtful - and lets face it, most decent people don't set out to do that to the people they care about.

No, usually you find out who really loves you entirely by accident, when you do one of those incredibly idiotic and/or hurtful things I mentioned earlier. I think you all know what I'm taking about...because it's a big part of being alive. Sometimes in your life, just screw up royally - it happens to us all and there's just nothing to be done about it. Beware the person who says they have no regrets in their life. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and I wouldn't change the mistakes I've made in my life even if I could, because I think they've made me the person I am, but that's doesn't mean I don't regret them. As I ways saying though, it's after one of these royal screwups that you find out who in your life really loves you, and who was just faking it. It's a discovery everyone goes through, but you'd never wish it on anyone.

I suppose there's some great irony to the fact that I'm the one writing this lengthy discourse on love and forgiveness, having recently deeply hurt someone I love a great deal, and been deeply hurt in return. But by the same token, the last few weeks have really only served to prove what I've written here to be essentially correct. I ended up making one of those painful discoveries I was just talking about, and it wasn't any fun. I guess the person I hurt probably feels like they made an important discovery too, in so much as they found out that I'm human, and every bit as capable of fucking up as the next guy, but where love has allowed me to let go of all the pain and anger that came with this, it seems to have been a pretty one sided affair. Don't get me wrong...I'm no saint, and I haven't said all this to make myself look like I am, it's just honestly how I feel. Who knows, maybe in this case it's a matter of time before I'm forgiven, or maybe it wont ever happen, but if it IS a matter of time I have to wonder, if it's the kind of love that can come and go so easily, is it really going to matter?

"To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk pain.
To try is to risk failure,
But risk must be taken,
Because the greatest hazard in life
Is to risk nothing..."

~Leo Buscaglia

"Cause Times They Are a Changin'..."

Yet again, here I sit almost a MONTH after my last post...for anyone who actually reads this blog, or TRIES to read it semi-regularly, my apologies. I promise I'll try and do a better job with getting posts up a little more often. Now, on with the blogging...

So I'm not really sure what song those lyrics in the title are from, but I'm sure I've heard them before. Change is on my mind because of something my friend Casey said to me in a moment of drunken insight this last Sunday after a long and excellent day of football and relaxation. Seriously, I was out at Weaver-Vegas for almost twelve hours Sunday...1:00pm - 12:30am, hanging out with a group of my best friends in Asheville, watching the Panthers, grilling food, enjoying a few drinks and generally having a great time. Anyway, around 10:30 the dozen or so of us that were there were all in the front yard either sitting in the back of Joe's pickup, or standing around it, listening to some seriously classic tunes on the stereo, singing as loud and proud as we possibly could. This went on for a good fourty-five minutes or so, and I remember thinking to myself "Man, it's been a long time since we all got together like this". Thing is, it used to be a regular occasion my first couple years of school, but since then it's become increasingly more difficult to get everyone together as a group - our lives are changing. I mean Christ, two of the people there were freakin' MARRIED (to each other) and one of them was (is!) one of the hardest partying girls I ever met! (much love Rima Dean) If that's not some change for ya, then I don't know what is.

Anyway, I know I said this was mostly about Casey's drunken insight...and it is. After the singing, and before I went home, he stopped me in the kitchen and in a very drunken, but very serious voice said to me "Sloan, remember tonight...because these are the best nights. These are the nights you'll always remember. We can't stay in Asheville forever, everyone is going to leave one day - but you'll always remember nights like this." I admit, I was a little taken aback by this, cause Casey has always been one of the major constants in my life in Asheville. He was literally one of the first dozen people I ever met here, and I owe him a huge debt for showing up at my dorm room one Wednesday and dragging me off to Pierson House to watch the Man Show with all the old KDR's and GPBs. Anyway, to hear HIM of all people talk about leaving Asheville was a little sobering to say the least. I've already seen it happen to some of my friends in Raleigh and Chapel Hill...you graduate college and then suddenly a group that was as close knit a collection of people as you could find is suddenly blown apart and scattered literally all over the country. It's a hard idea to accept.

Bottom line though, it's true...I could leave Asheville anytime, and sometimes I feel like it might be sooner rather then later - but if and when I do, the nights I'll remember the most, when I get wherever I'm going, are the ones I spent with my friends, trying hard not to sing out of key.