A Colloquy on Boundries
/colloquy
A funny thing happened to me the other day, as I sat discussing boundaries (physical, mental, emotional) with someone whose opinion I very much value. There we were in the midst of our conversation, she trying to explain why she needed boundaries in our relationship, and me still not REALLY hearing what she was saying. Then suddenly I had this moment of ridiculous clarity, to the point that I actually shook my head in disbelief and embarrassment. Why embarrassment you say? Because quite simply, the points/arguments being made to me during this conversation had suddenly started to sound VERY familiar...and all at once I realized why; they were the exact same points and arguments I myself had been making to someone else during an identical conversation almost exactly a year ago. The irony would have made Alanis Morisette jealous.
You see, the trouble with boundaries is this - unless they're YOURS, you have no appreciation for how valuable they are. Lots of people, myself obviously included, sometimes have a difficult time remembering that other people do not share our boundaries, or even necessarily anything close to them. We often expect that what we find to be acceptable in our lives, will also be acceptable to everyone else as well. You want a good example of what I'm talking about? Next time you're conversing with a group of people think of the most inappropriate joke you know (trust me, we ALL know at least one or two)...then look around the group, and try to figure out who would laugh and who wouldn't. It sounds simple I know, and in that sort of situation, it probably is simple - this is not always so, especially when it comes to relationships and emotions.
The difference is, when you start talking about emotional boundaries, and boundaries relating to intimacy, all a person really has to go on is there own experience. As far as bad jokes and things of that nature go, society teaches most of what we need to know about when, where and with whom they are suitable, and just how far we can go. Our emotional boundaries are defined by who WE are as people...and since no two people are exactly alike, that makes it very difficult for us to learn where another person's boundries might lie. Take myself for example, I think I am probably perceived by people who know me as having VERY few boundaries. I'm very outgoing, very open-minded, very affectionate and generally I think, a very enjoyable person to be around. My boundaries tend to have more to do with personal freedom then anything else. I want to do whatever I want to do, I want to do it on my own time, I don't want to have to consider anyone else if I don't feel like it, and I don't want to have to answer to anyone else regarding it. (in another great stroke of irony, I think I'm currently involved with maybe the only other person I know who values this particular boundary as much as I do...it just took 8 months for me to realize it) When people start to infringe on that boundary, I get angry and I get defensive. Sounds pretty selfish doesn't it? Well it is, because that's the nature of boundaries. They are selfish internal motivations and needs and they help make us who we are.
So what happens when someone decides to push up against these very comfortable boundaries we have? Well in my case at least, it wasn't pretty. My reaction was to draw myself in even further behind my boundaries, become even MORE protective of them, and eventually make an effort to drive away the person who was challenging them. In relationship terms, it's a vicious, vicious cycle...because when a person cares for you, and when you care for them in return, you will allow them into your life. But odds are you wont let them all the way in, and eventually they will encounter the old consistent barriers that you've had in place for years. And once they do, they will inevitably try and move past them. So maybe you decide that's ok and that this person is worth it. Fine. So your barriers bend in some, and it's really ok and not as bad as you thought. But then this other person, not really understanding what dangerous ground they're treading, keeps pushing. Sometimes in bursts, sometimes just a little bit at a time...but they do continue to push. Ok so your barrier bends a little more, and maybe you retreat just a little yourself, just to be safe you know? Of course at this point whoever you're involved with can tell when you're backing away from them, even if they're not sure why. So they double their efforts to reach you...and in turn double the strain they're putting on your boundaries. It's an innocent enough thing to do when love is involved, but at this point it's the absolute worst decision that they could make.
Now you really start to panic - your boundaries have been pushed about as far as they ever have, and you know full well they're not going to hold up much longer, and you're sure as hell not going to just let them come crashing down around you. You could take them down yourself, but maybe you tried that once before and got burned for it, or maybe you just don't really trust the other person enough to do that yet, or maybe you're just not ready. Whatever the reason, suddenly there's just one option left, and that is self destruct. We all carry a self destruct button, and we've all used it, weather we knew it or not. It's that shiny red button under the "Use Only In Case Of Emergency" glass in our hearts, and it enables us to end things on our own terms. So you break the glass, take one last long look around (cause it'll never be the same after this) and push the button. Suddenly everything behind your boundaries that's been pushed back towards the middle explodes outwards with an incredible force, driving your boundaries right back to where they were when you started, if not farther. This release of course also drives back whomever was doing the pushing to begin with, moving them back to a nice safe, comfortable distance - if that is, if it doesn't destroy them completely. Some people are more resilient than others and can ride out a storm like that with ease, while others stagger away with that dazed, sad and somewhat confused expression you see on people's faces after a natural disaster has just leveled their home. But the ultimate result is simple - a return to the status quo, where things are safe, predictable and for the most part just like they used to be.
So what happens next? Well in my case I succeeded in completely leveling the relationship I was in, to the point that there was just no foundation left to try and rebuild anything on. In fact I would say by the time all was said and done, it was like nuclear blast zone...there just wasn't anything left. It's hard to believe that I have in me the capacity to cause that sort of devastation, but you should never, NEVER underestimate the power of repressed emotion, and compressed boundaries. It might be the most volatile combination on earth. So flash forward a year, as I gamely pick myself up off the ground, brush the dust off and try to get my ears to stop ringing. You see the irony now? In a years time, I went from the one pushing the button, to the one caught in the blast, and I never even recognized what I was doing. I think it's a lesson that can only be learned by experiencing it from both sides. I was fortunate though...I think. The blast that I managed to cause, while certainly large and dangerous, didn't completely destroy everything. As near as I can tell, the foundations are still intact, and once things get cleaned up a little, eventually it might be possible to rebuild, albeit very slowly. Right now it's hard to say though because I'm outside the yellow caution tape looking in, but I'm still hopeful.
/end colloquy
A funny thing happened to me the other day, as I sat discussing boundaries (physical, mental, emotional) with someone whose opinion I very much value. There we were in the midst of our conversation, she trying to explain why she needed boundaries in our relationship, and me still not REALLY hearing what she was saying. Then suddenly I had this moment of ridiculous clarity, to the point that I actually shook my head in disbelief and embarrassment. Why embarrassment you say? Because quite simply, the points/arguments being made to me during this conversation had suddenly started to sound VERY familiar...and all at once I realized why; they were the exact same points and arguments I myself had been making to someone else during an identical conversation almost exactly a year ago. The irony would have made Alanis Morisette jealous.
You see, the trouble with boundaries is this - unless they're YOURS, you have no appreciation for how valuable they are. Lots of people, myself obviously included, sometimes have a difficult time remembering that other people do not share our boundaries, or even necessarily anything close to them. We often expect that what we find to be acceptable in our lives, will also be acceptable to everyone else as well. You want a good example of what I'm talking about? Next time you're conversing with a group of people think of the most inappropriate joke you know (trust me, we ALL know at least one or two)...then look around the group, and try to figure out who would laugh and who wouldn't. It sounds simple I know, and in that sort of situation, it probably is simple - this is not always so, especially when it comes to relationships and emotions.
The difference is, when you start talking about emotional boundaries, and boundaries relating to intimacy, all a person really has to go on is there own experience. As far as bad jokes and things of that nature go, society teaches most of what we need to know about when, where and with whom they are suitable, and just how far we can go. Our emotional boundaries are defined by who WE are as people...and since no two people are exactly alike, that makes it very difficult for us to learn where another person's boundries might lie. Take myself for example, I think I am probably perceived by people who know me as having VERY few boundaries. I'm very outgoing, very open-minded, very affectionate and generally I think, a very enjoyable person to be around. My boundaries tend to have more to do with personal freedom then anything else. I want to do whatever I want to do, I want to do it on my own time, I don't want to have to consider anyone else if I don't feel like it, and I don't want to have to answer to anyone else regarding it. (in another great stroke of irony, I think I'm currently involved with maybe the only other person I know who values this particular boundary as much as I do...it just took 8 months for me to realize it) When people start to infringe on that boundary, I get angry and I get defensive. Sounds pretty selfish doesn't it? Well it is, because that's the nature of boundaries. They are selfish internal motivations and needs and they help make us who we are.
So what happens when someone decides to push up against these very comfortable boundaries we have? Well in my case at least, it wasn't pretty. My reaction was to draw myself in even further behind my boundaries, become even MORE protective of them, and eventually make an effort to drive away the person who was challenging them. In relationship terms, it's a vicious, vicious cycle...because when a person cares for you, and when you care for them in return, you will allow them into your life. But odds are you wont let them all the way in, and eventually they will encounter the old consistent barriers that you've had in place for years. And once they do, they will inevitably try and move past them. So maybe you decide that's ok and that this person is worth it. Fine. So your barriers bend in some, and it's really ok and not as bad as you thought. But then this other person, not really understanding what dangerous ground they're treading, keeps pushing. Sometimes in bursts, sometimes just a little bit at a time...but they do continue to push. Ok so your barrier bends a little more, and maybe you retreat just a little yourself, just to be safe you know? Of course at this point whoever you're involved with can tell when you're backing away from them, even if they're not sure why. So they double their efforts to reach you...and in turn double the strain they're putting on your boundaries. It's an innocent enough thing to do when love is involved, but at this point it's the absolute worst decision that they could make.
Now you really start to panic - your boundaries have been pushed about as far as they ever have, and you know full well they're not going to hold up much longer, and you're sure as hell not going to just let them come crashing down around you. You could take them down yourself, but maybe you tried that once before and got burned for it, or maybe you just don't really trust the other person enough to do that yet, or maybe you're just not ready. Whatever the reason, suddenly there's just one option left, and that is self destruct. We all carry a self destruct button, and we've all used it, weather we knew it or not. It's that shiny red button under the "Use Only In Case Of Emergency" glass in our hearts, and it enables us to end things on our own terms. So you break the glass, take one last long look around (cause it'll never be the same after this) and push the button. Suddenly everything behind your boundaries that's been pushed back towards the middle explodes outwards with an incredible force, driving your boundaries right back to where they were when you started, if not farther. This release of course also drives back whomever was doing the pushing to begin with, moving them back to a nice safe, comfortable distance - if that is, if it doesn't destroy them completely. Some people are more resilient than others and can ride out a storm like that with ease, while others stagger away with that dazed, sad and somewhat confused expression you see on people's faces after a natural disaster has just leveled their home. But the ultimate result is simple - a return to the status quo, where things are safe, predictable and for the most part just like they used to be.
So what happens next? Well in my case I succeeded in completely leveling the relationship I was in, to the point that there was just no foundation left to try and rebuild anything on. In fact I would say by the time all was said and done, it was like nuclear blast zone...there just wasn't anything left. It's hard to believe that I have in me the capacity to cause that sort of devastation, but you should never, NEVER underestimate the power of repressed emotion, and compressed boundaries. It might be the most volatile combination on earth. So flash forward a year, as I gamely pick myself up off the ground, brush the dust off and try to get my ears to stop ringing. You see the irony now? In a years time, I went from the one pushing the button, to the one caught in the blast, and I never even recognized what I was doing. I think it's a lesson that can only be learned by experiencing it from both sides. I was fortunate though...I think. The blast that I managed to cause, while certainly large and dangerous, didn't completely destroy everything. As near as I can tell, the foundations are still intact, and once things get cleaned up a little, eventually it might be possible to rebuild, albeit very slowly. Right now it's hard to say though because I'm outside the yellow caution tape looking in, but I'm still hopeful.
/end colloquy
posted by CarpeDM | 8:58 PM
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